Painted Rocks Are A Public Menace

It seems like everywhere you look, there’s a reminder of our current crisis. Our ugly painted rock crisis, I mean. Some damn kids out there are vandalizing every other rock across God’s green earth, and I’m sick of it. These rocks are a menace! They’re an eyesore, they distract kids from their studies, and experts warn that they are bad for the environment.

My eyes aren’t trash cans, and they don’t need to be assaulted by these ugly doodles painted on whatever rocks the neighbourhood riff raff can get their grubby little paws on. Sorry to all the Little Rembrandts out there, but rocks look just fine the way they are, thank you very much. Plain and simple, these rocks look like shit.

Unadorned rocks were good enough for me growing up, and they’re good enough now. I’m sure on Pinterest these rocks all have beautiful portraits on them, but out here in the real world, it’s just misshapen hearts and squiggly flowers. I can see plenty of rocks and plenty of flowers on their own, the way nature intended! I saw one with what I think was some sort of Pokémon creature painted on it. This is what we pay taxes for?

Sure, for now it’s all butterflies and rainbows, but what if a kid paints a penis or a swear word on a rock? I haven’t seen anyone do that yet, but knowing kids nowadays, it’s just a matter of time. And by then, it’ll be too late! These kids won’t stop with rocks. Soon they’ll be painting stop signs, mailboxes, and eventually even buildings and cars! Let’s call rock painting what it really is: A gateway to graffiti.

While my family and friends have made it clear that they do not share my concern, I am not alone. In an interview with CBC News, biologist Bob Bancroft says rock painting “degrades the natural world”. In an official statement, Ontario Parks said “Unfortunately, many paints are essentially a plastic coating. Leaving painted rocks in parks adds another source of plastic for our ecosystems to absorb.” Not only do they look like trash, they are trash.

When I enjoy a cold drink out of a plastic straw, that’s hurting the earth, but when your kid degrades the natural world and splashes melted plastic all over the place it’s an act of kindness? Sorry, but it just doesn’t work like that. If we don’t listen to the science, we’ll never get out of this rock painting emergency.

It’s time to give nature back her beauty. It’s time to start educating our friends and neighbours about how irresponsible they’ve been by allowing their children to paint rocks. The next time you see a rock with something painted on it, put it in the garbage where it belongs. It’s the right thing to do.

Have Ya Heard?