Dating in the Time of COVID

Yes that’s right, this is an article about dating. And not just any article about dating, it’s an article about dating post-COVID. Well, post the beginning of the end of COVID.

So buckle up and put your judgement caps on because god dammit it’s the Wild West out here; there are no laws, and to be honest, no compassion either. 

To get us started into this unknown time of dating it’s important to know that I am a cis heterosexual women dating cis men. For those who had been coupled up during COVID, first of all a huge sarcastic, “UH GOOD FOR YOU”. But second of all I totally understand that there was no ideal arrangement in this time of uncertainty. But having a partner where you could touch their pant’s stuff whenever you want does seem more conducive to happiness than randomly messaging terrifying men. And thus, receiving a terrifying message on a dating app leads us to the  first phase of dating in the times of COVID.  

“Wanna cuddle?”

What seems like an innocuous almost innocent phrase has been co-opted by an entire swath of single men on Tinder, where they think asking to cuddle will safely lead them into asking the most depraved things you could ask a stranger on the intertubes. Instead of being direct and asking to sext, they behave in a manner that they assume comes off cute and innocent, when let’s be honest it’s nauseating. Because it’s not sincere. What it really is, is a strange man attempting to get me to send nudes. And literally no judgement, receive and send all the nudes you can until the stigma has lifted, but it’s the cutesy indirect of asking to cuddle first that really bums me out. 

The wildest part was I would say 90 percent of Tindermen used this exact phrase. It was so often used that I at one point responded to one of the cuddle enthusiast Tindermen, “I’m sorry, did all the men get in a room together and decide to ask for cuddles in place of asking for nudes?” To which the match replied, “Well I wanted to ask you to b*** o*** and f*** *** h*** but I thought I wasn’t allowed to ask you that yet.” Look, I guess this was inevitable but what can I say, it made me delete the app for a month. 

Oh also a big note to all men who just want to use Tinder to masturbate to strangers, there’s a site called OnlyFans and it’s very affordable. The people on Tinder are not your personal sex workers.

Actually Meeting Up

Phase two of “post-COVID” dating (I use quotations because COVID is most definitely not over), is actually seeing each other in real life phase. 

I started to reenter the physical dating world again, and boy was it stressful. I thought the vaccine would make it feel better, but it did not. Now I’m not going to completely rail on this time because well I got railed (I’m so sorry). Everyone that I was meeting up with was decidedly nice and physically attractive to me. This could have been a mirage because it had been a while, BUT HEY THEY CUTE. Then stuff started going downhill when I received this text message.

I FORGOT WHAT REJECTION FELT LIKE! And you know what? I don’t like it. So there’s always a downside but keep putting yourself out there because you could end up just like me and receive a text like the one above from a guy who had the faintest moustache, to the point where you thought, “I wonder if that facial hair was a choice?”

Realizing What You Want

The final phase of the dating journey that still leads you to being single seems to be getting your Tarot cards read and realizing “hey I don’t want to make out with someone for fifteen minutes, have them break away and then under their breath say ‘DM me’”. Like Ariel from The Little Mermaid, I want more.

THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE

• Keep the apps, but read the bios. Don’t trust a man if their bio is just their height. 

• Ask people out in real life. But try and keep it to men you won’t see again.

• Having no expectations doesn’t mean having no standards.

• Try not to actively date men that make you say “Wow, that guy’s a maniac!”

• Try not to date men that make jokes that they’re going to spy on you in your room (ugh).

• I say this one but I refuse to follow this… don’t date comedians.

• Do date comedians, they’re maniacs.

• Remember that you originally said don’t date men who you think are maniacs.

• Have nice lighting in your room.